Learning to Walk

I’ve been so hurt by the implications that I am a terrible person.

Although after some time, I can see now , much more clearly how I could have taken a few roads that weren’t the best.

I wondered about God and if he could see all of the trouble that I was going through. If he saw me as I was crying on my knees and struggling for a better understanding of what had caused my blight. I know nothing , but He is real.

I am sitting in as public library thinking how I got here.

I don’t think I will be able to survive this most recent jump.

What would it take for a girl to make some friends around here.

Recently I got fired because I didn’t have the willingness to push through my sorrow of the loss of two of my family members. Does the world truly not see me for who I am? That’s exactly what HE said. We ARE NOT of this world.

So no matter how many of the people I spent time attempting to connect with, or the time I help an elderly person cross the street. These things make me even more curious to this world. I thought I would be bringing a physical manifestation of love into this place, but it seems all I got was drained.

I think back to when I was a mother. How losing her changed my entire life. How I slowly began to feel more and more lost. There was a hole permanently in my heart. I cannot see how my mother would not make time for me to be successful at work. She was a grandma that was too busy to help me.

Now she still doesn’t have time for my daughter. She does make up for the times that she doesn’t have by taking her on really nice trips. I guess if she feels happy, my daughter that is, but I’m convinced that she was systemically manipulated, coerced and lied to by my mother and brother about both of her parents.

I am getting to be a nervous wreck. I can’t remember who I was supposed to be anymore. I feel like all of the lies, all of the paperwork is becoming real.

They lied to lock me away. She told stories and manipulated family members to gain their silence.

I was ostracized and kept in a box, a play of cat and mouse, a game of mommy’s scapegoat.

I can talk to people, but I feel like they see the mark of pain on me.

I can’t finish things because of my discouraged state and lack of stability to focus

so I came back here, hoping to find a chance to have a real break

Even if it’s just costuming , or writing, or idk, something creative and I need a release. There has just been too much prejudice and hatred in my life, and recently it’s like the light has permanently dimmed inside of me.

It hurts.

No one to trust

Looking for reasons inside myself to feel reasons to keep contributing to a society that dismissed me as a stuck up person, a know it all, a dream girl .

Being pretty doesn’t mean everything is a dream. Being smart and have ADHD doesn’t make you a know it all. Being confident doesn’t make you stuck up.

So I AM sensitive, there is no love , I wasn’t taught to be tough on the outside, just how to become dinner for people who enjoyed making others their prey.

So I’m not complaining, I want to make a change.

I’m hoping that he see me. that’s all I can ask for.